YANKS: AT THE ESPYS

[I have no idea why Steve and Buddle are standing so far away like that. It's making me nervous. Let's hope these fellas aren't about to go all France on us.]

Landon's goal against Algeria won Best Moment at the ESPYs tonight. I won't beat around the bush here, people: each and every one of these men could so get it right now. Yes, even you Landycakes.

In other news, Maury has spoken. Landon is not the father -- he told E! Online in a red carpet interview: 'I will not be a dad any time soon, which is good news for me.' Don't lie and pretend like you're all happy for him and stuff. We both know you were looking forward to a crazy sex scandal hitting American soccer upside the head like Gerard Pique's spit hitting the back of an old dude's neck.

Oh, and he's back with Bianca.

VIDEO: RENNES PLAYERS AT THE WORLD CUP

[Is 'Los wearing man-capris? I'm also having trouble understanding Gyan's pants.]

It never fails to impress me how unenthused Carlos sounds in literally every interview he does. Not quite bored, simply unfazed: 'Another day, another World Cup, bitches.'

via F.Y. Carlos Bocanegra

YANKS: LAZY NIKE ADVERT IS LAZY

[Just some casual and lazy sexism to round out your day.]

So, I guess that they couldn't find a single female who watched the Yanks do their thing in S.A. and, you know, appreciated it. Or maybe the problem was that they couldn't find a woman who watched soccer in America at all? Christ, is the situation that dire amongst the soccerballing masses? For reals, Nike?

TIET TMI du Jour: Also, at your next available moment, Nike -- you know, in between producing these sh*t ads -- please review tape from Ghana/USA where you'll find Jozy Altidore engaging in some desperate A+ flailing dive-age in the dying moments of the match. And the whole 'playing like an American' thing ain't cute either. Raging national-identity/deluson driven soccer ads are what drove England down the wretched path that they're on -- take a tip and don't make US soccer suffer the same fate.

via Amanda @ NeedsMoreKittens

YANKS: LANDYCAKES, A REGULAR AMERICAN HERO

The Yank bandwagon has never looked so tempting. The whole thing almost makes me forget how annoying I actually find Landycakes. This is officially going down as a point in the 'good' column.

TIET TMI du Jour: In usual wandering-eye fashion, please play special attention to :25 of this clip where Jay DeMerit does a back-flip onto the man pile. Seriously? I'm amazed there aren't more injured that result from goal celebrations.

Also, this sign is kind of awesome. Predictable, but awesome.

YANKS: LOOK SLIGHTLY GREASY, MAY NEED HELP SHOWERING, I'M READY AND WILLING TO TAKE ON THIS INSANELY LABORIOUS TASK

[His Royal Hotness. No one really compares when it comes

to stupid-hot American footballing talent.]

This is not a dedicated US Soccer blog. Promise, pinky swear, etc. It's just been pretending to be one lately... a little. A wannabe, so to speak. Hell, if they're going to come out with stuff like this, can you fault a girl?

Anyhow, here's an interesting quote from Carlos Bocanegra's portion of this spread that Interview magazine did with the boys: "Stuart Holden is always talking. He doesn’t shut the hell up, ever. Always talking shit. Just talking to talk." Aw, Stu. Can't you just imagine him scurrying around the locker room talking really fast and just generally being so obnoxious that you'd want to punch him square in the face but couldn't because you knew it would feel strangely like child abuse because he looks like a freaking fourteen year old?

source: Interview Magazine via the zany yet fantasitcal ladies at ONTD_FB

YANKS: THE GAME OF THE CENTRURY!1!!!!

[USA v England, for real.]

Here's some free advice: don't try to avoid the nuisance that is the monstrous hype surrounding the really-not-game-of-the-century that is the Game of the Century111!!!!: USA v England tomorrow. Just don't. Firstly, avoiding it is actually hopeless. Secondly, there's a slight chance you could roll your eyes so much they'll fall out of their sockets ('sup France supporters). Thirdly, there is so much hilarity to be found here that if you don't pay attention you could really miss out**. Such as Baby Bradley referring to the Americans as 'battle hardened' (seriously though: we'll be genuinely disappointed now if he doesn't dropkick England's keeper King Leonidas out of '300' style whilst screaming 'This is Sparta!' as a part of some elaborate goal celebration on Saturday.)

Or even better, the USA NT's official website which, as usual, has been the site that doesn't stop giving when it comes to borderline homoerotic/often unintentionally hilarious material. Aside from the irony of the most built up match in the group stage being reduced to a foosball game in this here official clip, the real fun starts around 2:30. Holden: 'You gotta play with yourselves. If you score with yourself or a player on the national team, two goals. If you do Gooch and score on him, that's two goals also. [...] Give it to Gooch!' Oh god, never stop being you, Stu.

**'Don't pay attention'. Oh, would you listen to us. Talking as if you were stranded out in the middle of the Indian Ocean during monsoon season, that the USA v England hype wouldn't come and find you.