YANKS: AT THE ESPYS

[I have no idea why Steve and Buddle are standing so far away like that. It's making me nervous. Let's hope these fellas aren't about to go all France on us.]

Landon's goal against Algeria won Best Moment at the ESPYs tonight. I won't beat around the bush here, people: each and every one of these men could so get it right now. Yes, even you Landycakes.

In other news, Maury has spoken. Landon is not the father -- he told E! Online in a red carpet interview: 'I will not be a dad any time soon, which is good news for me.' Don't lie and pretend like you're all happy for him and stuff. We both know you were looking forward to a crazy sex scandal hitting American soccer upside the head like Gerard Pique's spit hitting the back of an old dude's neck.

Oh, and he's back with Bianca.