YANKS: AT THE ESPYS

[I have no idea why Steve and Buddle are standing so far away like that. It's making me nervous. Let's hope these fellas aren't about to go all France on us.]

Landon's goal against Algeria won Best Moment at the ESPYs tonight. I won't beat around the bush here, people: each and every one of these men could so get it right now. Yes, even you Landycakes.

In other news, Maury has spoken. Landon is not the father -- he told E! Online in a red carpet interview: 'I will not be a dad any time soon, which is good news for me.' Don't lie and pretend like you're all happy for him and stuff. We both know you were looking forward to a crazy sex scandal hitting American soccer upside the head like Gerard Pique's spit hitting the back of an old dude's neck.

Oh, and he's back with Bianca.

YANKS: THE GAME OF THE CENTRURY!1!!!!

[USA v England, for real.]

Here's some free advice: don't try to avoid the nuisance that is the monstrous hype surrounding the really-not-game-of-the-century that is the Game of the Century111!!!!: USA v England tomorrow. Just don't. Firstly, avoiding it is actually hopeless. Secondly, there's a slight chance you could roll your eyes so much they'll fall out of their sockets ('sup France supporters). Thirdly, there is so much hilarity to be found here that if you don't pay attention you could really miss out**. Such as Baby Bradley referring to the Americans as 'battle hardened' (seriously though: we'll be genuinely disappointed now if he doesn't dropkick England's keeper King Leonidas out of '300' style whilst screaming 'This is Sparta!' as a part of some elaborate goal celebration on Saturday.)

Or even better, the USA NT's official website which, as usual, has been the site that doesn't stop giving when it comes to borderline homoerotic/often unintentionally hilarious material. Aside from the irony of the most built up match in the group stage being reduced to a foosball game in this here official clip, the real fun starts around 2:30. Holden: 'You gotta play with yourselves. If you score with yourself or a player on the national team, two goals. If you do Gooch and score on him, that's two goals also. [...] Give it to Gooch!' Oh god, never stop being you, Stu.

**'Don't pay attention'. Oh, would you listen to us. Talking as if you were stranded out in the middle of the Indian Ocean during monsoon season, that the USA v England hype wouldn't come and find you.