THE SPAIN PARTYING CONTINUES, PIQUE CAN BARELY STAND UP STRAIGHT

[Pique spits on someone. Precious.]

There are a lot of different types of drunks: the crier, the angry drunk who feels the urge to fight with anyone and anything (true story: I was at a party once where a dude got into a fight with a bathroom door. don't ask.), the drunk who tells you that she loves you and everyone and 'THIS PARTY IS AWESOME, WHOOOO!' Then there's Gerard Pique's type. He'll probably wake up when all the partying is over (and this feels never-ending...) with a few people still really pissed at him because he took a joke or two too far. We won't even get into the Cesc/Barcelona shirt incident.

BREAKING: SOCCER IS AGAINST GOD

['Just 'cause it got a ball it don't make it a sport.']

Soccer is a satanic game according to this dude. I'm especially enjoying the part where he breaks down all the different 'types' of Mexicans who play soccer. It's obvious that he's still butt-hurt about not making the team in middle school.

via Spoiler

BRINGING THE LOLS: BABIES HAVING BABIES

[Fave Xtina pic of all time: Any chance I get to pull this one out, I will.]

According to Cristiano Ronaldo's twitter, he's just become a father:

"It is with great joy and emotion that I inform I have recently become father to a baby boy. As agreed with the baby's mother, who prefers to have her identity kept confidential, my son will be under my exclusive guardianship. No further information will be provided on this subject and I request everyone to fully respect my right to privacy (and that of the child) at least on issues as personal as these are."

I'm just holding out for an announcement saying that his account has been hacked or something because this simply can't be true. Exclusive guardianship? Girl...

BRINGING THE LOLS: ITALY, YOU SO CRAZY

[See you later, Canna's thighs.]

And with that, Italy help the World Cup achieve a new point in history: this is the first tournament in which neither finalist of the previous one has made it out of the group stage. Who knew that when, full-time diving cheat and part-time Italy midfielder, Daniele De Rossi warned that Italy could go out like France, he was actually looking into his crystal ball rather than making a pathetic attempt to manage expectations? Somewhere Zidane is laughing his little head off.

BRINGING THE LOLS: ROBERT GREEN

Robert, you in danger girl. Becks looks like he's thinking of a few different ways to kill you.