BRINGING THE LOLS: BABIES HAVING BABIES

[Fave Xtina pic of all time: Any chance I get to pull this one out, I will.]

According to Cristiano Ronaldo's twitter, he's just become a father:

"It is with great joy and emotion that I inform I have recently become father to a baby boy. As agreed with the baby's mother, who prefers to have her identity kept confidential, my son will be under my exclusive guardianship. No further information will be provided on this subject and I request everyone to fully respect my right to privacy (and that of the child) at least on issues as personal as these are."

I'm just holding out for an announcement saying that his account has been hacked or something because this simply can't be true. Exclusive guardianship? Girl...

ONE FOR THE VAULT: OBVIOUS CHEATING, COMPRESSION SHORTS CONTINUE TO PLAGUE THE WORLD CUP

[Oh, Kevin Prince. He of former German allegiance, ridiculous family fueds, and far too many tattoos. Someone give me a good reason to find him attractive, because I do.]

Even though FIFA are allegedly getting ready to throw the rule book at newly-minted Uruguayan hero Luis Suarez for momentarily forgetting he was playing football rather than volleyball (hey, it happens, right?), they've continued to remain decidedly silent on an issue I find to be much more pertinent: compression shorts.

And while Ghana's Asamoah Gyan is probably somewhere still ruing over his now infamous Penalty Kick That Didn't Go In And Will Now Live Forever In the History of African Football (yes, that is its official name now), Uruguayans will continue to party it up after their rather unsightly win. Well, at least until they get chucked in the semifinals by Holland. Meanwhile, please take note of how pretty Edinson Cavani's hair looks waving around amidst all the smiling faces:

TIET TMI du Jour: And just because I personally can't get enough of candid player celebration videos. Please see Ghana's from their quarterfinal romp over the Yanks. Ah, I will miss them.

I SEE YOU, HATER: THOMAS MULLER GETS SOME SWEET AND TASTY REVENGE

[...And then he has the nerve to get all annoyed when people disrespect his players.]

It wasn't so long ago that German midfielder Thomas Muller was being publicly dissed to his face by Argentinian cokehead/world famous cheat/coach Diego Maradona. And I bet being sarcastically called a 'ballboy' before Maradona stormed out of a presser they were both billed to be at had to sting a little bit. Fitting then that Muller should score the first goal -- one of the earliest goals ever scored at a world cup! get it, girl! -- in Germany's full-on thrashing of the Argentines. And once Maradona has stopped crying into his box of cigars, he'll probably feel pretty stupid for this.

via Off the Post

PARIS HILTON ANNOYS PEOPLE AT NETHERLANDS/BRAZIL, SMOKES WEED WHILST DOING SO

[Paris Hilton: A Brazil bandwagon jumper, I see.]

Queen of all attention whores, Paris Hilton, was at today's Netherlands/Brazil quarterfinal match. In addition to probably annoying those around her with stupid questions like 'Oh my gosh guys, is that dude's name actually Kaka? Like doo-doo or something?' she was detained by police after the match and made an appearance at a South African court. A local police officer: 'She was found in possession of some amount of dagga [marijuana]. We don't know how much. It's a high-profile person; only the top cops are dealing with it.'

Paris' people have told TMZ that she has been released and have swiftly shifted the blame onto someone else in her entourage who was the smoking the ganja. Apparently they've pled guilty and have paid a fine.

source: Paris Hilton held in South Africa after World Cup game - Paris Hilton detained in South Africa for alleged possession of marijuana - Paris Cleared In Marijuana Caper

BLATANT AND UNABASHED FANBOY OBJECTIFICATION: BRAZIL FANS

A welcome break from the gratuitous amount of Arjen Robben's face that is all up on my screen at the present. Regardless of how well he's played so far I will, for the life of me, never ever like that man. Why not close ups of van Persie, Mister Cameraperson?

[Update:] Although this... well, I just plain ol' don't even know what this is. I guess he was going for the Hellraiser look?

YANKS: LAZY NIKE ADVERT IS LAZY

[Just some casual and lazy sexism to round out your day.]

So, I guess that they couldn't find a single female who watched the Yanks do their thing in S.A. and, you know, appreciated it. Or maybe the problem was that they couldn't find a woman who watched soccer in America at all? Christ, is the situation that dire amongst the soccerballing masses? For reals, Nike?

TIET TMI du Jour: Also, at your next available moment, Nike -- you know, in between producing these sh*t ads -- please review tape from Ghana/USA where you'll find Jozy Altidore engaging in some desperate A+ flailing dive-age in the dying moments of the match. And the whole 'playing like an American' thing ain't cute either. Raging national-identity/deluson driven soccer ads are what drove England down the wretched path that they're on -- take a tip and don't make US soccer suffer the same fate.

via Amanda @ NeedsMoreKittens

CHANTELLE TAGOE IN SOUTH AFRICA: CHEETAH INDIFFERENT, BORED

[Chantelle sat beside a possibly drugged up cheetah in Bloemfontein.

Either that or this is the most unimpressed cheetah I've ever seen.]

It's hard to understand why anyone would willingly sit beside -- much less get all cozy with -- a creature that they know is both (a) carnivorous and (b) fast. Just doesn't seem like a good combo. Of course, that's what Emile Heskey's fiance, Chantelle Tagoe is doing right here. Personally, I'd at least have put on some sneakers to give myself the false security that I can make a quick get away should that cheetah get rowdy at any point.

spotted over at Pies